Thursday, July 07, 2005

Control and Closure

I have control issues. I can't say that I want to be in control, nor can I say that I don't. I can only say that I want the possibility of control. In other words I abhor closure. I don't want to be stuck. I want to know that I can pick up and do something else at any time. To be honest, this is very difficult to accomplish with a wife and family and I am much worse for the wear for trying.

My wife is in school. Obviously, we can't move across the country, she only has a year left. We have a mortgage on a house we're in the middle of fixing up, so it would be hard to sell it right now. My daughter has made friends and is about to start Kindergarten. All of these things conspire against my apparent desire for control. At the same time, I've given control over to God. How can I both want options and want God to choose? Many choices that were made in my life I made because that is where I thought God was leading me. In most of those circumstances, I had made my decision too quickly and backed out of it to take God's path. Now, I can't choose another path, even it if were God's. I'm stuck where I am for a few more years and that infuriates me. Why can't I let go? Why do I have to have other options and alternatives?

I feel, that by being in a state of change readiness, I can make it easy for God to push and pull me. Does God need the help? Could it actually hurt? I don't have any answers and mostly I don't even know the right questions. I just know that I want the possibility of change and I don't have it. I want control and I can't have it. Right now, others need the control and that is frustrating. Steve, on Blue's Clues, says that when you're frustrated, you should stop, breathe, and think. Well, I've been thinking for a few months now and I'm pretty sure I'm still breathing, but it is not working. Oh well, only a few more years to go before I have control of my life. But I don't want control of my life, I want God to control it. It is so confusing that my head hurts.

I want control of the fact that God can control my life instead of my surroundings controlling it.

Right now, my life is controlled by my wife's school, my mortgage, and my children. It is not controlled by God or me. Hmmm...there could be Gold in 'dem 'der hills. By reducing our dependence on worldly goods, we free ourselves so that God can control us. How much are we tied down and are therefore unable to follow God's path? When he tells us to let our mother bury herself and follow him, can we do it? There are some hard choices to be made, but I feel a little better knowing that maybe I don't have control issues after all; maybe God has control issues and I am trying to help him out.

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